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The bad news: You will grow old and decrepit. Then die.

The good? Well, there is no good. Except that maybe you’ll be able to fuck a sex bot (for as long as you can get it up).

“Elderly people living in care homes could soon be enjoying the company of specifically designed sex robots, according to a leading organization in the field,” reported RT (Sex robots could provide therapy and treat loneliness in care homes, July 5). “The freakishly realistic robots could be widely available within the next decade, used not just by fetishists but as a tool for sexual therapy and communication.”

The article cited a new report by the Foundation for Responsible Robotics that called the arrival of sex bots “unstoppable.”

“I can tell you that robots are certainly coming,” said Noel Sharkey, emeritus professor of Robotics and Artificial Intelligence at the University of Sheffield (UK) and co-founder of the FRR. “The concern is that this is going on [and] nobody is talking about it. People snigger about them, but they are actually shipping quite a lot and we are going to see them a lot more.

“They are being proposed for the elderly in care homes, which I think is controversial,” Sharkey added. “If you have severe Alzheimer’s you can’t really tell the difference.”

Before searching for a sex bot on Amazon, be warned: They aren’t cheap, running between $5,000 and $15,000 a pop, “and can be customized by gender, height, and hair and eye color. Advanced models can even include artificial intelligence and respond to human emotions.”

Is there a downside to nursing home sex with a bot? “It’s very sad because it’s going to be a one-way relationship,” Sharkey warned. “If people bond with robots it’s very worrying. You are loving an artifact that can’t love you back, and the best they can do is fake it.”

I’ve never had sex with a robot (not that I’m ruling it out), but when it comes right down to it, robot sex sure sounds like masturbation. As regular readers know, I am pro masturbation. Masturbating with a robot should be a variation on, say, grooving with my Hitachi. Or my forefinger.

If you’re elderly, got Alzheimer’s and still want to get off—what’s the problem? Sex with a robot has to be better than no sex at all.

A final note: The article doesn’t address male sex bots for women. Let’s hope that sex bot designers and researchers will design sex bots that can satisfy women (I’m talking cunnilingus and vaginal penetration, just to be clear). Only fair.