First the good news: A “brothel” featuring flexible and nubile sex dolls instead of actual women opened in Barcelona recently. The faux whore house is staffed by four life-sized and “thoroughly sanitized” faux women (each equipped with three orifices; don’t make me spell it out for you), RT reported last month (Come on, Barbie, let’s go party: Europe’s first sex doll brothel opens in Barcelona, Feb. 27). What’s good about it is this: The dolls presumably aren’t the victims of sex trafficking.
The bad: In a follow-up, the website reported that the brothel was forced to move after it lost its lease (Europe’s first sex doll brothel forced to close its doors, March 16). It’s only telling existing customers the new location, at least for now.
For 80 euros an hour, customers get a candlelit private room where they can commune (masturbate) with the doll of their choice while watching porn.
“The creators of the brothel claim that being with one of their dolls is even better than sex with a real human, stating on their website that: ‘These sex dolls will make the experience more pleasurable, exciting and erotic,’” RT reported. Maybe it’s because the dolls don’t talk or watch the clock.
Why not? I hope sex doll brothels proliferate. If it catches on in North America (RT noted that sex doll brothels have opened in China and Japan), it could revitalize America’s declining shopping malls. Think of it: A new fun activity for our nation’s hordes of over-sexed teenage boys (and their fathers)! The mind boggles.
With all this news about sex dolls, I can’t help but plug my sex doll erotica, Sex Machine. Alas, no brothel in my fictional account of a robot programmed to fornicate like Alison, my hero (a champion fornicator). But it’s chock full of explicit sex and is a good story to masturbate to—and only $2.99 (not 80 euros). Maybe I’ll work the brothel angle into the sequel.
Texas, long-time home of criminally stupid legislators (and an ex-president), is in the news again. This time, a sane member of the state legislature has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 for ejaculating “outside of a woman’s vagina” and not saved for future conception.
That’s not all. The proposed law, pointedly called the Man’s Right to Know Act, would mandate a “medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance [imaging] of the rectum” before any elective vasectomy, colonoscopy or Viagra prescription.
A joke? Sort of. It was actually reported on National Public Radio (Satirical Texas Bill Would Fine Men’s Masturbation, Set Viagra Waiting Period, March 13). The bill’s sponsor, state Rep. Jessica Farrar, is clearly pissed about a similar anti-abortion law passed in Texas and turns its language against men. Alas, she knows it won’t pass, but at least she is doing something to salvage Texas’ miserable reputation as a state of full of women-hating Neanderthals.
In proposing a fine for masturbation, Farrar said that if a man’s semen is not used to create a pregnancy, “then it’s a waste…because that semen can be used — and is to be used — for creating more human life,” Farrar told the Texas Tribune.
Farrar is an outspoken opponent of anti-abortion efforts, which included recent bills that would require hospitals to bury or cremate fetal remains and would charge both abortion providers and women who get abortions with murder. Farrar is filling in for the late, great columnist Molly Ivins, who would be having a ball with this (“Good thing we’ve still got politics in Texas – finest form of free entertainment ever invented”).
The lawmaker’s bill would take all the fun out of jerking off, to say the least (and I’m assuming men in Texas jerk off as much as men in other states). “Men have to answer for their actions and so forth,” Farrar said. “So if there’s going to be an emission, it would have to be done in a hospital where the semen could be preserved for future pregnancies or it would be directly deposited into the vagina of a woman.”
That would mean male Texans would have to leave the state to enjoy “emissions.” Just the way female Texans have to leave the state to get an abortion.