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Texas, long-time home of criminally stupid legislators (and an ex-president), is in the news again. This time, a sane member of the state legislature has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 for ejaculating “outside of a woman’s vagina” and not saved for future conception.

That’s not all. The proposed law, pointedly called the Man’s Right to Know Act, would mandate a “medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance [imaging] of the rectum” before any elective vasectomy, colonoscopy or Viagra prescription.

A joke? Sort of. It was actually reported on National Public Radio (Satirical Texas Bill Would Fine Men’s Masturbation, Set Viagra Waiting Period, March 13). The bill’s sponsor, state Rep. Jessica Farrar, is clearly pissed about a similar anti-abortion law passed in Texas and turns its language against men. Alas, she knows it won’t pass, but at least she is doing something to salvage Texas’ miserable reputation as a state of full of women-hating Neanderthals.

In proposing a fine for masturbation, Farrar said that if a man’s semen is not used to create a pregnancy, “then it’s a waste…because that semen can be used — and is to be used — for creating more human life,” Farrar told the Texas Tribune.

Farrar is an outspoken opponent of anti-abortion efforts, which included recent bills that would require hospitals to bury or cremate fetal remains and would charge both abortion providers and women who get abortions with murder. Farrar is filling in for the late, great columnist Molly Ivins, who would be having a ball with this (“Good thing we’ve still got politics in Texas – finest form of free entertainment ever invented”).

The lawmaker’s bill would take all the fun out of jerking off, to say the least (and I’m assuming men in Texas jerk off as much as men in other states). “Men have to answer for their actions and so forth,” Farrar said. “So if there’s going to be an emission, it would have to be done in a hospital where the semen could be preserved for future pregnancies or it would be directly deposited into the vagina of a woman.”

That would mean male Texans would have to leave the state to enjoy “emissions.” Just the way female Texans have to leave the state to get an abortion.

Only fair.